Titan by John Varley

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Hello, Stranger.

Let's talk about John Varley's Titan.

The Short of It

Plot: The intrepid crew of the Ringmaster crash in alien territory and must figure out how to survive. 
Page Count: 309
Award: 1980 Locus SF 
Worth a read: No
Primary Driver: (Plot, World, or Character)
Bechdel Test: Pass
Technobabble: Minimal to moderate.
Review: It is hard to find such a dumb book that takes itself so seriously. Some legitimately interesting exploration bits not enough to redeem this one. Extremely juvenile. Raises interesting questions and offers insultingly insipid answers. There are elements that are quite good - particularly some crisp dialogue - but it's just not worth it. 

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The Medium of It
Spoiler Free!

This is going to be a rather short no-spoiler section. Most of the things worth discussing involve spoilers.

There are a number of characters and it's clear that we are supposed to be invested in them. It's hard to be. No one really has a personality and we spend most of the "meet and greet" phase of the book exploring who is sleeping with whom. 

Plot is totally standard for the sub-genre; if you've read it anywhere else, you've read it better. Ship crashes, crew is scattered, crew has to come together, each has learned something while they were apart, they learn more about the alien territory, they go on a quest to figure out what is going on/escape. Also, oddly standard for the genre, they sing songs from the Wizard of Oz. Pacing is fine, all things considered. 

Now, world building. I have done my best to be - if not totally professional with these reviews - well spoken and clear. Mature, one could say. 

This world is really, really, painfully, shockingly, truly next-level dumb. The aliens? Dumb. The reasoning? Dumb. Look at the cover of this book. Take a good luck at the centaur holding the magic stick and the giant blimp whale. 

Hey, if that's your thing, if you get a copy of it with the link below, I'll get a few cents!

The Long of It
Spoilers Ahead!

The Space Centaurs are at war with the Space Angels because the Alien-God-Being that made them watched a lot of TV and wanted to give war a try. 

I could see this as the premise for a pulpy 60s science fiction TV show. The cheap special effects would add to it, like the original Lost in Space. But as a book? 
"Well, of course. I wanted to have a war. I'd never heard of them until I began watching your television programs. You people seemed to like them so much, holding one every few years, that I thought I'd give it a try."

To be clear, the being saying this can quite literally create life, and is three million years old. And we're supposed to just shrug and say, "Yup, how silly of her to misinterpret our news like that! Dumb alien!" Three million years of wisdom and godlike powers. And she cannot figure out from context clues that we do not enjoy war.

You're not going to read this book, and I had to, so here is one of the six mentions of centaur penises.

It was the one in the middle that shocked Gaby and Cirocco. In the soft belly between the healer's hind legs was a thick, fleshy sheath, and out of it came a penis that was human in every detail but for the fact that it was as long and thick as Cirocco's arm.

Here's the part where we meet the characters at the beginning, including test tube twins.

Cirocco doubted they had bargained for the incestuous homosexuality, but felt they should have expected it, just as surely as the high I.Q.

What a casual stroll past sibling incest. Nothing more than a casual "That's the way the cookie crumbles."

Look, I'm baffled. At every turn when things could get dumber, they did. Perhaps it is all a joke that does not quite click with me; taking it all seriously despite it being ridiculous. The issue is that the joke does not land - if the point is to poke fun at these tropes, it's not ridiculous enough. If the point is to be serious, it's way too far. Right now it sits uncomfortably between the two.

To be fair, I will note my favorite line:

The third day was not as bad as the second, in the same way the Chicago Fire was not as bad as the San Francisco Earthquake.

This is legitimately hilarious, and I laughed out loud while reading it. But wow. The rest of this book is just... it's really dumb.

Pick a better place to explore, Stranger.
And don't forget to read a book!

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